my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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