we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
