I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
