You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
