What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
