its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
