I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
