it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize