On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
