all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
