you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
