did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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