apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
