Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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