I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
