Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
