I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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