Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
