My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
