Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
