The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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