I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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