sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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