i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
3 2 1 whiskey
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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