Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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