hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you traded sex for a burrito?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
