Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize