I cockslap morals
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
