We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
