Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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