After last night, I could never be a politician.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize