So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
