I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
