Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize