you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
