I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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