Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
