he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize