I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
