I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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