I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
