In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
