Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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