Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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