Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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