somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
