Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He did a backflip because drugs
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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