Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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