I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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