nut hugger
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
