My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
