Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
