dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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