I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
