well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
