someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize