I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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