woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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