There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
