Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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