I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She even gives head with a lisp.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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