i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
NoShamevember. You game?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
