the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
