I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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