I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
