I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
